Since I am so bored, and there is so little going on in the real world, I am literally going to break down for you the Power Rankings of my good friends when it comes to bar brawling. I will call this the BFPI, or the Bar Fight Power Index.
I will consider size, brute strength, craftiness in tight spots, tenacity, willingness to fight dirty, general disregard for human life and how quickly they would resort to simple weaponry.
This is not an indictment on anyone's ability to defend themselves, merely an analysis of who I would want to have my back if the shit hit the fan at one of our local watering holes.
#1 - The Big Cat: Now, I know this could be a controversial first pick, but I don't see it that way. The Big Cat is surprisingly mobile for his size. He packs a good punch and will fight until he's pulp. Most importantly The Big Cat's size makes him an obvious target, which would in turn allow for me to roam freely like some sort of twisted, haymaker throwing, free safety.
#2 - John Jiggins: Everyone knows that Jiggin's Ultimate Fighter training makes him a valuable weapon in any situation involving fisticuffs. He has very little regard for human decency and his meek and small appearance lends well to a surprise, Trojan Horse styled attack. Jiggins also works well in tight places being that he is used to having large, half-naked men lay on top of him with violence and malice in their hearts.
#3 - TyRubis: This could be a shocker to some. Tyrubis is small and fairly unassuming at times. However, most do not know how willing Tyrubis is to take a situation to the next level. I can absolutely see him uttering "I will kill you all," in a monotoned voice, before breaking a bottle on the table and beginning an assault on the opposition's jugulars. He is also quite strong -- much stronger than he looks -- do to his extensive childhood gymnastics training.
#4 - DFrench: DFrench's big body and propensity for reckless, uncontrollable outbursts would make you think he deserves a higher ranking. He
could be a valuable asset is a bar-brawl but he is often times far too cordial -- more likely to get a man's phone number than punch him in the throat. This all is thrown to the wayside if a "Dantrum" is thrown though. In the event of a Dantrum, DFrench automatically skyrockets to #1. There is no talking him down when he reaches this state, and he would obviously unleash a brutal physical attack, as well as an unending stream of bitching and whining, on the opposition.
#5 - Shmem Shmern: Shmern has increased his size greatly in recent months. He has the look of a meat head and would be respected as such during an altercation. He does work out at the Gainesville Gym -- some roid rage could have rubbed off on him, and this could lend itself to fierce, thoughtless aggression. Shmern is also extremely loyal, another valuable asset when it goes down in the street.
#6 - "Marvelous" Heezy Hagler: As L-Town's finest brawler, Heezy is as wiry, and as surly as they come. Another Hagler semi-advantage is that he is so ruthless he'll fight a woman. This could be quite valuable if a female in the opposing crew is "wiling out," as the kids say. He also throws mixed drinks like Rex Grossman throws picks: early, often and in crucial situations. His wit and unfiltered mouth could also be of great value if our challengers need to coaxed into action.
#7 - Marlo: If this rating system was based on
starting a bar room brawl Marlo would be the unanimous #1. He often times is so pompous and arrogant, especially when boozing, that trouble simply has a way of finding him. Once a great athlete with the physique of a "junior body builder," Marlow's fitness has wained in his college years. His propensity for condescending rationale is a tremendous tension escalator to be sure, however it's effectiveness in combat would probably prove more disadvantage than advantage.
* If you were not featured on the list, I probably haven't rolled with you in a while.
And it begins. Today marks a very important day in the spectrum of the few dates I would consider important. The University of Florida football team kicked off practice this morning with an all freshman a.m. session. The vets will take the field this evening, completing a glorious day of Gator Football preparation.
