Saturday, June 28, 2008

Bar Fight Friend Rankings

Since I am so bored, and there is so little going on in the real world, I am literally going to break down for you the Power Rankings of my good friends when it comes to bar brawling. I will call this the BFPI, or the Bar Fight Power Index.

I will consider size, brute strength, craftiness in tight spots, tenacity, willingness to fight dirty, general disregard for human life and how quickly they would resort to simple weaponry.

This is not an indictment on anyone's ability to defend themselves, merely an analysis of who I would want to have my back if the shit hit the fan at one of our local watering holes.

#1 - The Big Cat: Now, I know this could be a controversial first pick, but I don't see it that way. The Big Cat is surprisingly mobile for his size. He packs a good punch and will fight until he's pulp. Most importantly The Big Cat's size makes him an obvious target, which would in turn allow for me to roam freely like some sort of twisted, haymaker throwing, free safety.

#2 - John Jiggins: Everyone knows that Jiggin's Ultimate Fighter training makes him a valuable weapon in any situation involving fisticuffs. He has very little regard for human decency and his meek and small appearance lends well to a surprise, Trojan Horse styled attack. Jiggins also works well in tight places being that he is used to having large, half-naked men lay on top of him with violence and malice in their hearts.

#3 - TyRubis: This could be a shocker to some. Tyrubis is small and fairly unassuming at times. However, most do not know how willing Tyrubis is to take a situation to the next level. I can absolutely see him uttering "I will kill you all," in a monotoned voice, before breaking a bottle on the table and beginning an assault on the opposition's jugulars. He is also quite strong -- much stronger than he looks -- do to his extensive childhood gymnastics training.

#4 - DFrench: DFrench's big body and propensity for reckless, uncontrollable outbursts would make you think he deserves a higher ranking. He could be a valuable asset is a bar-brawl but he is often times far too cordial -- more likely to get a man's phone number than punch him in the throat. This all is thrown to the wayside if a "Dantrum" is thrown though. In the event of a Dantrum, DFrench automatically skyrockets to #1. There is no talking him down when he reaches this state, and he would obviously unleash a brutal physical attack, as well as an unending stream of bitching and whining, on the opposition.

#5 - Shmem Shmern: Shmern has increased his size greatly in recent months. He has the look of a meat head and would be respected as such during an altercation. He does work out at the Gainesville Gym -- some roid rage could have rubbed off on him, and this could lend itself to fierce, thoughtless aggression. Shmern is also extremely loyal, another valuable asset when it goes down in the street.

#6 - "Marvelous" Heezy Hagler: As L-Town's finest brawler, Heezy is as wiry, and as surly as they come. Another Hagler semi-advantage is that he is so ruthless he'll fight a woman. This could be quite valuable if a female in the opposing crew is "wiling out," as the kids say. He also throws mixed drinks like Rex Grossman throws picks: early, often and in crucial situations. His wit and unfiltered mouth could also be of great value if our challengers need to coaxed into action.

#7 - Marlo: If this rating system was based on starting a bar room brawl Marlo would be the unanimous #1. He often times is so pompous and arrogant, especially when boozing, that trouble simply has a way of finding him. Once a great athlete with the physique of a "junior body builder," Marlow's fitness has wained in his college years. His propensity for condescending rationale is a tremendous tension escalator to be sure, however it's effectiveness in combat would probably prove more disadvantage than advantage.

* If you were not featured on the list, I probably haven't rolled with you in a while.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Gun Owners May Rest Easy This Day

Now, I certainly would not have ever thought I would have back-to-back posts about The Supreme Court, but damn it, the justices are doing big things.

Today, our nation's highest court made a historic ruling in favor of our 2nd Amendment rights. For the first time ever, The Supreme Court ruled that our right to bear arms is a personal right, and not tied into any service in a state militia like many anti-gun people have tried to argue.

The ruling struck down the strictest gun conrol law in the country. In Washington, D.C. it was unlawful for a person to own a handgun and if they owned a shotgun or rifle in their home it had to be unloaded and disassembled.

Now, I wouldn't consider myself a gun enthusiast by any stretch of the imagination; I do not own a gun , have never been hunting and have only fired guns on a few brief occasions, but I do think this ruling is a good thing.

People who want to do harm to others will always be able to get their hands on firearms, no matter how strict our gun laws may be. And even if the statistics show that having a gun probably won't help you avert harm from yourself or your family during a crime, a person should be allowed to take comfort in the idea that they could potentially defend themselves in the event that disaster strikes.

In general, I am against limiting the rights of individuals in almost every situation possible. Obviously however, in the event that someone commits a felony, or is deemed mentally ill, they lose their privledge to own a weapon.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Supreme Court Coming With Some Weak-Tot Action


The Supreme Court ruled today that we can no longer, as Americans, execute child rapists.

Now, I'm not a 100% behind the death penalty in general, but for the love of God, if we are going to have it available why not use it on the real creeps.

In my opinion rape is as despicable as taking someone's life because, in effect, that's what you're doing.

I can't imagine how terrible it would be to have a child violated and abused that way, but I imagine it would make even the most level-headed of people blood-thirsty.

I guess there is some solace to be had in the fact that rapists kind of have the script flipped on them in jail. It is my understanding they become quite the soup dejoure inside the slam.

Buzz Aldrin Will Kick Your Ass

This video, and any video where an asshole gets punched in the face, for that matter, makes me smile. The reporter in this clip is an asshole for a few reasons. For one, he honestly thinks we didn't land on the moon -- maybe not completely "assholeish" per say, but certainly douche bag-esque. Two, he is behaving in what can only be referred to as bad-form. Verbally lashing out on a senior citizen, in an ambush reporting style, is unacceptable. Most importantly though, you're an asshole 'cause you stepped up on Buzz Aldrin fool. He's a national treasure and he doesn't roll that way, doesn't play that game and certainly wasn't going to go out like a punk. You should have done your research, Buzz doesn't play that whiny voiced, nerdy bullshit. He's from the streets and clearly lives for moments like this one, where he gets to lay the smack down on non-moon walkers, such as yourself.

Buzz Aldrin: American Hero

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Quote of the Day

"I believe that liberty is the only genuinely valuable thing that men have invented, at least in the field of government, in a thousand years. I believe that it is better to be free than to be not free, even when the former is dangerous and the latter safe. I believe that the finest qualities of man can flourish only in free air – that progress made under the shadow of the policeman's club is false progress, and of no permanent value. I believe that any man who takes the liberty of another into his keeping is bound to become a tyrant, and that any man who yields up his liberty, in however slight the measure, is bound to become a slave."


-H.L. Mencken

Allow Me To Introduce You To Marvin "Bad News" Barnes

Ladies and gentleman, allow me to introduce you to Marvin "Bad News" Barnes. Barnes was an ABA star, a classic representation of the leagues flash and funky style. He was a high-flying big man with as much game as swagger on and off the court.

Barnes received his epic nickname in college after beating a teammate with a tire iron during one dubious practice session. Barnes career was plagued by altercations, drug abuse and , in general, surly behavior.

When Barnes finally cracked into the NBA, he played for the Celtics where he was known to walk into the the locker room, take off his coat and unassumingly hang his double-pistoled gun holster in his locker next to his practice gear. He was also notorious for, during games, placing his towel over his head, on the bench, and snorting copious amounts of blow.

As outrageous as that may seem, my favorite "Bad News" story comes from his ABA days:


During an ABA playoff series while playing for the leagues Louisville affiliate, Barnes and his team prepared to board a flight to St. Louis for their playoff game. Before getting on the plane, Barnes astutely noticed the flight board which said the flight was set to take off at 4:04 and land in St. Louis at 4:00 -- clearly a board which had been adjusted for the time change between the two cities. Bad News wasn't buying it.

Barnes refused to get on the plane, and subsequently missed the playoff game. When asked by a reporter, at the airport, why he wouldn't get on the plane with his team, Barnes simply said, "I ain't gettin' on no time machine."


Absolutely classic.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Take Pride In Your Country

As I sat around the camp fire last night, our discussions amongst friends became quite juicy and pretty damn interesting.

Three semi-intelligent, half-drunken and obnoxious guys are more than capable of getting into heated, intellectual debates. Our topics ranged from literature to religion and even to patriotism.

One of my friends, and fellow outdoorsman, has recently returned from the holy-land as well as a small tour of Europe. He happens to be Jewish, and was making what is known as a Birth Right Trip. Basically, the nation of Israel funds a once-in-a-lifetime trip for Jewish people back to the mother land. They fund the trip in hopes that Jewish people will be persuaded to move back to Israel. We asked him if he felt more of a connection to Israel because of his heritage, or to America his country. His answer made me think.

He said that he certainly felt more of a connection to America -- even more so after his trip. He said it made him appreciate the diversity and secularity of our country -- things I think we often take for granted.

I wonder sometimes why so many of us are down on America. Is it the innate pessimism that our country has cultivated in recent years? Is it the constant flow of negative and depressing news? Or is it because the "grass is always greener" and we have contrived and unrealistic views of other countries on this planet?

Many of us Americans have never left our country. We've never experienced first hand what other societies and cultures are really like. Our knowledge is based on beautiful (and completely loaded) video clips we see on TV like a beautiful Brazilian beach on "The Most Luxurious Stars Under twen... blah blah blah... watch people masturbate over celebrities" type shows. Or, the French Riviera on E!. Or, the wild never ending night club parties in super fashiony Milan. It's a joke. We sit here in boring, mundane, world's running joke America and think "holy shit, the rest of the world is amazing." We are on an island. And what is turning into, a big, self-hating island.

We see the vicious underbelly of America, the discrimination, the sick materialism, the crime, the poverty, the flawed medical system, yada, yada, yada. For the most part, we don't see the shitty parts of other countries, we don't hear all their dirty little secrets and we become complacent and unappreciative of what we do have. It becomes much more en vogue to bash and bag on ourselves with our stupid president, and our greedy corporate money-mongers, and our racism and ignorance, etc. etc. then to actually appreciate how wonderful of a place this is.

We need to, collectively, take a long look at ourselves and show some pride in our country. Our diversity, our aid to other countries, our opportunity, our secularity even our justice system and the way we take care of our poor. Hey, we're not perfect, nor will we ever be, but we're trying. And that's what I love about America. We're the land of promise (sarcastically laugh if you want -- but it's true). This is the best country on the planet and we are lucky to be here.

Put on some corny, patriotic, country song (maybe Proud To Be An American by Lee Greenwood) and appreciate your situation. Remember:

"Only in America!"
-Don King

How a Day at the Springs Can Be Ruined

Yesterday, some of my buds and I decided a camping trip to the springs was an appropriate thing to do on a sleepy, Sunday afternoon. Of course it was. We happen to be three strapping young lads, who are all more than capable of huffing it for a day and a night amongst nature's creatures and elements.

However, things got off to a precariously rough start.

One of our travelling partners happened to be in a sour, little mood from the get go. His pessimism would have been completely unbearable if we didn't find his mouth's constant flow of expletives, and hate-spew, charming on some twisted level. Despite this guy's most earnest attempts to get our trip of course, we loaded the ol' car to the gills with beer, camping equipment and all kinds of man-snacks, and made our way to Ginnie Springs. We thought we were going to swill our ale and tell graphic stories around the camp fire that night, and follow that up with a relaxing float down the river the next day. We were clearly not in Mother Nature's favor.

I awoke, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, around 6:30 in the a.m., with visions of cold beers and rafts floating through my consciousness. My mates remained asleep as I investigated the surrounding area for adventure and simple treasures -- there were none to be had.

As the sun broke above the tree line I marvelled at the day's promise. It was the last marvelling I'll care to do for awhile. The clouds rolled in slowly at first -- I thought they might have even been a figment of my imagination. They were not, and neither was the thunder, lightning and unrelenting rain that followed.

We decided the most responsible thing to do would be to flee the scene as soon as possible. It was a good idea. What wasn't responsible was deciding it would be smart to lazily leave all of our camping equipment there at the springs, to remain forever. We were clearly far too despondent, and rejected by our environment, to properly clean our camp site.

Our shitty tent, tarp and trash will remain there, at our site, as a testament to the futility of man's struggle against nature. It will remain there because we didn't even break the tent down, and there really is no telling how long it will stay untouched before someone finally realizes a bunch of assholes just left all their camping equipment because they were to lazy, and acutely distraught, to pick it up.