LT Appreciation Day

I don't think we give Lawrence Taylor nearly as much credit as he deserves. Sure, he went through a period of time where he was addicted to crack-cocaine. Some think this should be his legacy. I do not. He should at least be known for that one time he ended Joe Thiesman's career by snapping his leg like a cheap piece of Lincoln Log.



This is clearly one of the most devastating sports-related injuries of all time, and should be cherished as such.

I guess it has a certain tragic sense to it, although it is hard to muster up sympathy for a guy who changed the pronunciation of his last name, during his senior year of college, in order for it to hokely rhyme with the nation's most prestigious football trophy.

At any rate, let's take today to appreciate the beast that was LT. He pretty much reinvented the blitzing linebacker position and was clearly one of the most feared professional athletes in human history. Crack addiction aside, LT is pretty legitimate and should be remembered for his dominance on the field as well as his likeness' dominance in the game Tecmo Bowl. If you've ever shot the gap up the middle, on every down and distance, with LT, on the NES you know what I'm talking about.

A Good Night at the Office

Well, last night was my first truly successful night in the service industry. My partner in crime and I managed to get some pretty serious tip money, a first for me in my short and far from illustrious serving career.

This feat was accomplished thanks to a few lucky breaks. For one, we had a table of drunken Mexican landsapesmen who were clearly getting paid for their services (by their gringo companion) with cervezas and Tuscan Chicken entrees. I am quite sure I wouldn't have been able to serve these gentleman if a valid green card was required for service. They didn't speak a drop of English and they looked particularily sheepish anytime they were required to attempt communication. It was however, quite humorous when they would order their beers: "Bood Liight Main." They had clearly gone to the Carlos Mencia immigration academy. Despite my fears that I was going to get stiffed by these drunkards on the tips, they ended up surpassing the mandatory 15% comfortably on their $170 tab. My faith in the goodness of mankind was briefly restored.

My other big hunk of tips came from a table of 15-20 elderly folks. I did such a shitty job I was thinking about tipping them for dealing with my sorry ass. The only thing that saved me was the fact that I let the leader of this motley, geriatric crew call me "Jeffery" and explain to me the nuances of effective scotch drinking. I'm quite sure he liked me so much he threatened the rest of his crew with physical violence if they didn't pony up a decent tip number. The only problem was that by the time my guy was out the door a few of his people hadn't received their meals, thus leaving them to dictate their own gratuity-leaving strategies; they obviously gave me the business on the ol' tip line. You can't win them all.

It was a good night, in general, with good, old fashioned American grinding. Nothing like working the 4-12:30 shift on a Friday night!

Barack Is Ass-Reaming John McCain

A new Newsweek nationwide-poll shows that Barack Obama has opened up an outrageous 15 point lead over John McCain.

This is in sharp contrast to the 46-46 tie that was reported after a similar Newsweek poll done in May.

It seems the times really are a changin'. With Barack all set to begin campaigning actively with Hildabeast, the GOP could truly be in trouble. McCain is boring, old and just about every other physical embodiment of the Republican Party.

It's still very early, but we could be looking at a Reagan-Walter Mondale style landslide come November.

If Republicans can hang their hats on anything, it's that John Kerry had a six point lead at the same time in 2004. Even more drastic than that, in May of 1988 Michael Dukakis enjoyed a staggering 54-38 lead over George H.W. Bush, and we all know how that turned out.


I think the trend runs much deeper than this poll or even this election. The country is sick of Republicans, for better or worse. Although I'd love to have a beer with Dubya (and maybe even include him in my posse') he's an idiot. In a job where you need to speak well, Bush fails miserably; he sounds like an inbred and he reflects an ignorant American picture.


As it stands now, 55 percent of Americans call themselves Democrats; 36 percent say they're Republicans.


Come November I think we have our first non-white president and a Democrat in the White House. If we don't, the Democratic party needs to take a serious look at what they're doing -- back to back losses to a moron with some of the lowest approval ratings in American history, followed by another loss to a stereotypically old, stodgy, Republican man. Unacceptable if you're a Democrat.


If nothing else, the following months are going to be quite interesting. And as an American, you've got to be interested, involved and in-tune to everything that's going on around you.

Only In Michigan!

As if we needed further proof that there is no rhyme or reason in this lifetime, the gentleman pictured at left, a multiple sex-offender, just won the Mega Millions lottery jackpot in Michigan.

Fred Topous Jr., 45, was discharged from the Michigan Department of Corrections system in 2005. He plead guilty to two counts of breaking and entering in the 80s and in 1999 he was convicted of having sex with a 13-year-old girl.

I have no idea how this guy is out of jail so early, but I guess the sun, really does, even shine on a dog's ass.

Rest easy though; Topous decided on the lump sum of $34 million (before taxes) and if justice and order is to be restored to the universe, I'm sure he will have blown the entire amount on booze, hookers, designer drugs, an outrageously large pick-up truck, hookers, an authentic Dale Earndhart stock-car, Rhine stone studded Wranglers, Waylon Jenning's albums and hookers by the end of the calender year.

That is a nice mustache though.

Quote of the Day

"A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay."

-Demetri Martin

Athletes Are Great... When They're Wasted They're Awesome

This is a great montage of drunken athletes. I don't really know why I am so amused by drunken public figures -- I just am.

I think the John Daly pictures are my favorites, but just because he is such a legendary booze-hound and party machine.

Enjoy.

Charles Oakley, You Are In Fantastic Shape My Man

Remember Charles Oakley -- the New York Knick's enforcer from the NBA's glory-years on NBC? I sure do.

Oakley was living large in Vegas recently, and from the looks of things, he still gets down with the weights. For a guy that probably guarded Wilt, Oakley is looking pretty good.

Go on with it Chuck.

Captain Planet Would Not Be Happy With This Stiff

Well, if it isn't sick enough to see the martyr that has become Al Gore step off of private jets while simultaneously telling us to not use so much energy, this new story helps put things into perspective. I guess it's "do as I say, not as I do" huh Al?

This story is fresh out of Gore's home-state of Tennessee. It seems people who are really into conserving energy use, and not just lining their pockets at the expense of middle-Americans, are a little pissed off at Albert.

Energy Guzzled by Al Gore’s Home in Past Year Could Power 232 U.S. Homes for a Month
Gore’s personal electricity consumption up 10%, despite “energy-efficient” home renovations

NASHVILLE - In the year since Al Gore took steps to make his home more energy-efficient, the former Vice President’s home energy use surged more than 10%, according to the Tennessee Center for Policy Research.

“A man’s commitment to his beliefs is best measured by what he does behind the closed doors of his own home,” said Drew Johnson, President of the Tennessee Center for Policy Research. “Al Gore is a hypocrite and a fraud when it comes to his commitment to the environment, judging by his home energy consumption.”

In the past year, Gore’s home burned through 213,210 kilowatt-hours (kWh) of electricity, enough to power 232 average American households for a month.

In February 2007, An Inconvenient Truth, a film based on a climate change speech developed by Gore, won an Academy Award for best documentary feature. The next day, the Tennessee Center for Policy Research uncovered that Gore’s Nashville home guzzled 20 times more electricity than the average American household.

After the Tennessee Center for Policy Research exposed Gore’s massive home energy use, the former Vice President scurried to make his home more energy-efficient. Despite adding solar panels, installing a geothermal system, replacing existing light bulbs with more efficient models, and overhauling the home’s windows and ductwork, Gore now consumes more electricity than before the “green” overhaul.

Since taking steps to make his home more environmentally-friendly last June, Gore devours an average of 17,768 kWh per month –1,638 kWh more energy per month than before the renovations – at a cost of $16,533. By comparison, the average American household consumes 11,040 kWh in an entire year, according to the Energy Information Administration.

In the wake of becoming the most well-known global warming alarmist, Gore won an Oscar, a Grammy and the Nobel Peace Prize. In addition, Gore saw his personal wealth increase by an estimated $100 million thanks largely to speaking fees and investments related to global warming hysteria.

“Actions speak louder than words, and Gore’s actions prove that he views climate change not as a serious problem, but as a money-making opportunity,” Johnson said. “Gore is exploiting the public’s concern about the environment to line his pockets and enhance his profile.”

The Tennessee Center for Policy Research, a Nashville-based free market think tank and watchdog organization, obtained information about Gore’s home energy use through a public records request to the Nashville Electric Service.

Tiger: Done For The Year

Apparently, Tiger's injury was more serious than some of us may have given him credit for. He'll undergo surgery to repair his ACL which will cause him to miss the rest of the season. That includes the British Open in July as well as the PGA Championship in August.

This makes Tiger's US Open Championship even more impressive. I do believe we may have witnessed the greatest Major performance of all time.

Well, Javon Walker Has Lost IT

The Javon Walker story has taken a strange, and nearly unbelievable, turn thanks to a statement from none other than J-Walk himself. Here is Walker's statement:

“I was just back at my room and at about 5:30 in the morning I got a knock at the door. I opened it and 3 guys with guns were there. They cracked me in the head a few times, knocking me unconscious. They then robbed me of everything I had; my watch, money, everything! Somehow they got me to a car and dropped me off in the street. That’s what happened.”

This makes absolutely no sense Javon. Why the hell would anybody beat a man unconscious in his swanky hotel, rob him of everything and then decide to drag his limp body through said swanky hotel only to load him into a car and dump his body on one of the most heavily video-monitored strips of road in the country? Why not leave his body in the hotel? Could these just be the dumbest, and most overly-active crooks of all time or is something bizarre going on here?

If this really happened wouldn't there be an abundance of video evidence of this crime in almost all of its stages -- the dragging of the body through the hotel, out to the car and then the car dumping a body on the strip?

I'm starting to think that my pee-on-the-wall story is what happened.

Something is fishy in Raider-land.

Jemele Hill: What The Hell Were You Thinking?

ESPN Columnist and segment-host Jemele Hill has been suspended for an indefinite amount of time for her comments about cheering for the Boston Celtics. I quote:

“Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. It’s like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan.”

Not only was this comment pretty insensitive and thoughtless, it wasn't even funny. Not even a little bit. For a noteworthy columnist, it must be incredibly embarrassing to get called out for saying something insanely stupid especially when you are simultaneously outed to the world as not being funny. What a slap in the face -- total insult to injury.

Now, when I first heard this story, I thought it was incredibly inappropriate to suspend this woman. She was only doing her job, and although her comments may have been thoughtless, they certainly weren't filled with hate or any real venom; no harm, no foul.

I always think that our first amendment rights need to be protected at all times. If someone in the media says something hurtful or offensive, let the sponsors dictate whether they keep their jobs or not. At the end of the day, money is king, and the market will determine who survives.

I felt that way, 100%, until I heard what Jemele Hill had to say after Don Imus' moronic rant pertaining to "nappy headed hoes" and the Rutger's Women's Basketball Team. Hill called for his head and his job for his transgressions, and for that (and not her own comments) she should be suspended.

In fact, Hill should call for her own suspension -- anything short of that would be hypocritical. She should have known better.

Imus is an idiot and people like him are ignorant, but at the end of the day, he is what he is: a bigot and a second-rate shock-jock. Even morons should be able to voice their opinions though. If we don't like it, turn it off. And if it's really that offensive, sponsors will pull off, which in turn will cause the wrong-doer to lose their job the old-fashioned, American way.

Hypocrisy is almost as bad a censorship. We should accept neither.

Quote of the Day

"Pride is seldom delicate, it will please itself with very mean advantages; and envy feels not its own happiness, but when it may be compared with the misery of others."

-Samuel Johnson

Just Because

If you haven't seen it enjoy, if you have revisit.

As classic as Converse.

Rapist's Sketch Revised

This is the revised face of evil. The Haile Rape sketch has been overhauled based on new recollections by the victim of the brutal attack.

The suspect is still at large and, unfortunately, it appears no real developments have been made in the case.

While the new sketch is a little less Teletubby-esque, don't let the features fool you, this man is dangerous and on the loose. Hopefully this case will get some resolution soon.

"The SouthWest Florida Coyote Invasion Continues"

Apparently, ladies and gentleman, us Floridians are experiencing a coyote invasion. Just ask Sal Santalucia, the 69-year-old Estero man, who was locked in to an "about 7minute" death match with a coyote in order to save his Miniature Schnauzer's life.

Mr. Santalucia wielded a five foot pipe during the altercation causing the cowardly coyote to flee the scene.

Be on the look-out people. The "invasion" has already yielded three small doggy deaths and has sent two humans to the hospital for rabies shots.

http://www.gainesville.com/article/20080617/NEWS/548052473/1105/NEWS&title=Man_beats_coyote_in_latest_attack

Javon Walker: Victim of Robbery or Victim of the Strip

Javon Walker, the Oakland Raider's newly-acquired wide receiver, was found unconscious on the Vegas strip Monday morning; it is suspected that he was the victim of a robbery and pretty significant beat down.

Why must we paint such a bleak picture of the man who cradled slain teammate Darent Williams in his arms after a club-related shooting a few years ago?

It is being said that Walker was targeted because he was in the club "spraying the crowd down with Dom Perignon" -- always a good way to announce that you've got a little bit of coin and almost no shame.

Apparently, Walker walked out of the club Tryst and the rest seems to have been a, Deebow vs. Craig, Smokey on the call style, "you got knocked the fuck out."

I would present a different story.

I bet my dog J-Walk was in the club racking up $15,000 tabs -- J-Walk style -- pouring Dom on ladies heads and in general having a pretty damn good time. Being a new Oakland Raider, J-Walk knew egregiousness needed to cease being exception and quickly become the rule. Long Island Iced Teas, off of an ice luge shaped like Lloyd Carr's neck gizzard and Coronas, hold the lime bar-keep, ensued.

J-Walk, like most men, probably enjoys the simple things in life like the outdoor urination while intoxicated.

I submit to you that J-Walk merely stepped out of the club to pee outside on a wall and passed out causing him to fall face first into said wall, and thus, rendering him unconscious. A crackhead probably noticed this large, passed out, jewelery-clad gentleman and simply took his wallet and accouterments. And Bam! There's your robbery.

When in doubt look to the most simple of answers.

The First and Last Time...

Usually I don't mind negative comments, ill-will or any other bad vibes that may float towards my general vicinity; this is not really an exception merely a brief acknowledgment.

I want people to read my blog simply to appreciate and enjoy things that I myself enjoy. I like to write and the fact that numerous people get to see things through my eyes, as distorted as they may seem, makes me happy.

If, by chance, as a by-product, my blog motivates individuals who aren't living up to their potential, spend 16 hours a day in bed and in general produce far more hate-spew than positive energy -- well then, that's just a wonderful added bonus.

Honestly, Mr. Heez, I'm glad you've opened a blog. You're a very talented fellow and should have a creative outlet to voice your many opinions. What you have so far is excellent and very witty; I would expect nothing less.

As harsh as you were on me, I hope you can accept my retort as good-natured jest.

Quote of the Day

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

-Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

You Think You Hate Gas Prices

This gentleman, and others like him in Indonesia, really hate high gas prices.

At a literally silent protest, this wahoo stitched his lips together in the name of lowering fuel prices and , now, reaffirming the developed world's long-held belief that the rest of this planet's inhabitants are, simply and utterly, wolf-shit insane.

You've got to give him credit though -- eat your hearts out Students For A Democratic Society -- that is how you protest.

Bow Down To The Tiger

What Tiger Woods did yesterday at the U.S. Open was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen. If you missed it I feel sorry for you; it truly was one of those magical moments that competitive sport, on the highest level, can afford you every once in a while.

If he goes on to win the championship it is only that much more of a testament to the fact that he, even at this relatively young age, is the greatest golfer of all time. The only question left has to be: Will Tiger Woods end up being the greatest athlete of all time?

I think he's got a shot.

Make sure you watch today. Everyone is certainly going to try to give him a run for his money but he's never lost a major while leading after 54 holes. Hell, it will most certainly be more entertaining than watching Boston and the Big Three put Kobe and his band of flunkies out of their misery.