A New Day

Well, hello, all. I'm back!

It's been a long year since last posting on the finest Gainesville-area, Vegas-themed blog. Too long.

I'm a year older and a year wiser, and I can't wait to share more notes, quotes and anecdotes with all my people. We all need our creative outlet, and, for awhile, I'd lost mine.

Since my last post, I've graduated college, started a tutoring business -- aptly coined The Tutoring Company -- with one of me main homies, Marlo G. Swag aka Mark Musselman aka Magnum PI, and generally eased into semi-adult life like an old man into a warm bath.

Life is good!

Since becoming a captain of the tutoring industry, I've happened upon copious amounts of unadulturated free time -- time that will now be filled with insightful (hopefully) rants and ravings.

Whaa??

Check out this awesome picture of two of the NBA's premier point guards.

For reason's unknown to anyone, Baron Davis and Steve Nash decided to hop on a two person bicycle and cruise around the greater Santa Monica area.

I don't know what I like better, the balance of Baron's Mr. Rogers, conservative and cautious style sweater and daredevil one handed steering and camcorder recording, or Nash's Canadian interpretation of a Pee Wee's playhouse extra's outfit. The suspenders are almost as nice as the plaid shorts that they are precariously connected to.

A Little Flight of the Conchords For Ya'

The Flight of the Conchords is one of those little television programs that just grows into you. I know there are some people who don't get it, or are a little put off by their sideways humor and charismatic New Zealand accents, but for me they're just the tops. Enjoy this clip of the band performing their smash hit If You're Into It.

Sacha Baren Cohen: Back In The Saddle

He's at it again. This time Sacha Baren Cohen's character of choice is Bruno -- the gay, Austrian, fashion aficionado sent to America to straighten people's sense of style out while simultaneously attempting to make heterosexual men squirm.


The working title of Bruno's movie, the follow up to Cohen's smash hit Borat movie, is "Brüno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt."


Following the Borat movie, Cohen came under attack, by some conservative groups, for taking advantage of people during filming, causing them to look foolish on film -- a distinction they probably deserve.


Last month, a crowd of 1500 Arkansas natives were duped into being a part of the new Bruno movie. They were drawn to an event called Blue Collar Brawlin', which featured $1 beers and promised "hot chicks, cold beer, hardcore fights." The event was staged by Cohen and his associates; the crowd didn't exactly get what they had planned for: In the last bout of the night, the two brawlers tore each others clothes off and began kissing each other's bare chests while wearing only underwear. The display of man on man action nearly caused a riot as the drunken (and I'm sure very ignorant crowd) began to throw their beers and chairs into the ring.


I'm sure the movie is going to be a classic and I can't wait to check it out. It seems Cohen still has no mercy for our country's red-necked segment of society. This is the poster that Cohen and friends used.

Fear and Loathing In the Vaccum of Summer

The movie Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas occupied a special place in my heart as a late teen. I don't know if it was the glamour of the reckless drug use, or the view of the dark side of the 60s, and how scary things got for some drug users as they pulled out of my favorite cultural-era of American history. Whatever it was, it was the coolest movie I'd seen up to that point in time. This video recaptures a little bit of that feeling.

Roller Coasters Are Bad For Yor Health

A 17-year-old boy was decapitated by the Batman The Ride roller coaster, in Six Flags Over Georgia on Saturday.

The kid jumped a fence into a restricted area and somehow managed to get himself into a position under the roller coaster. When the ride came by it, literally, knocked his block off.

No one is sure why the kid decided to enter the danger zone, which was clearly marked off by signs.

This further reaffirms my belief that roller coasters are ridiculously stupid. Why the hell do people like that kid of shit. "Oh boy! I can't wait to get on a ride and have it throw my ass around like a rag doll. I like this so much I'll even pay an exorbitant amount of money, and wait around in line like cattle. I get such an awesome rush, bro!"

Lame.

Grow up people. Boycott roller coasters. They're killers.

Buzz Aldrin Will Kick Your Ass

This video, and any video where an asshole gets punched in the face, for that matter, makes me smile. The reporter in this clip is an asshole for a few reasons. For one, he honestly thinks we didn't land on the moon -- maybe not completely "assholeish" per say, but certainly douche bag-esque. Two, he is behaving in what can only be referred to as bad-form. Verbally lashing out on a senior citizen, in an ambush reporting style, is unacceptable. Most importantly though, you're an asshole 'cause you stepped up on Buzz Aldrin fool. He's a national treasure and he doesn't roll that way, doesn't play that game and certainly wasn't going to go out like a punk. You should have done your research, Buzz doesn't play that whiny voiced, nerdy bullshit. He's from the streets and clearly lives for moments like this one, where he gets to lay the smack down on non-moon walkers, such as yourself.

Buzz Aldrin: American Hero

Take Pride In Your Country

As I sat around the camp fire last night, our discussions amongst friends became quite juicy and pretty damn interesting.

Three semi-intelligent, half-drunken and obnoxious guys are more than capable of getting into heated, intellectual debates. Our topics ranged from literature to religion and even to patriotism.

One of my friends, and fellow outdoorsman, has recently returned from the holy-land as well as a small tour of Europe. He happens to be Jewish, and was making what is known as a Birth Right Trip. Basically, the nation of Israel funds a once-in-a-lifetime trip for Jewish people back to the mother land. They fund the trip in hopes that Jewish people will be persuaded to move back to Israel. We asked him if he felt more of a connection to Israel because of his heritage, or to America his country. His answer made me think.

He said that he certainly felt more of a connection to America -- even more so after his trip. He said it made him appreciate the diversity and secularity of our country -- things I think we often take for granted.

I wonder sometimes why so many of us are down on America. Is it the innate pessimism that our country has cultivated in recent years? Is it the constant flow of negative and depressing news? Or is it because the "grass is always greener" and we have contrived and unrealistic views of other countries on this planet?

Many of us Americans have never left our country. We've never experienced first hand what other societies and cultures are really like. Our knowledge is based on beautiful (and completely loaded) video clips we see on TV like a beautiful Brazilian beach on "The Most Luxurious Stars Under twen... blah blah blah... watch people masturbate over celebrities" type shows. Or, the French Riviera on E!. Or, the wild never ending night club parties in super fashiony Milan. It's a joke. We sit here in boring, mundane, world's running joke America and think "holy shit, the rest of the world is amazing." We are on an island. And what is turning into, a big, self-hating island.

We see the vicious underbelly of America, the discrimination, the sick materialism, the crime, the poverty, the flawed medical system, yada, yada, yada. For the most part, we don't see the shitty parts of other countries, we don't hear all their dirty little secrets and we become complacent and unappreciative of what we do have. It becomes much more en vogue to bash and bag on ourselves with our stupid president, and our greedy corporate money-mongers, and our racism and ignorance, etc. etc. then to actually appreciate how wonderful of a place this is.

We need to, collectively, take a long look at ourselves and show some pride in our country. Our diversity, our aid to other countries, our opportunity, our secularity even our justice system and the way we take care of our poor. Hey, we're not perfect, nor will we ever be, but we're trying. And that's what I love about America. We're the land of promise (sarcastically laugh if you want -- but it's true). This is the best country on the planet and we are lucky to be here.

Put on some corny, patriotic, country song (maybe Proud To Be An American by Lee Greenwood) and appreciate your situation. Remember:

"Only in America!"

-Don King

Only In Michigan!

As if we needed further proof that there is no rhyme or reason in this lifetime, the gentleman pictured at left, a multiple sex-offender, just won the Mega Millions lottery jackpot in Michigan.

Fred Topous Jr., 45, was discharged from the Michigan Department of Corrections system in 2005. He plead guilty to two counts of breaking and entering in the 80s and in 1999 he was convicted of having sex with a 13-year-old girl.

I have no idea how this guy is out of jail so early, but I guess the sun, really does, even shine on a dog's ass.

Rest easy though; Topous decided on the lump sum of $34 million (before taxes) and if justice and order is to be restored to the universe, I'm sure he will have blown the entire amount on booze, hookers, designer drugs, an outrageously large pick-up truck, hookers, an authentic Dale Earndhart stock-car, Rhine stone studded Wranglers, Waylon Jenning's albums and hookers by the end of the calender year.

That is a nice mustache though.

Athletes Are Great... When They're Wasted They're Awesome

This is a great montage of drunken athletes. I don't really know why I am so amused by drunken public figures -- I just am.

I think the John Daly pictures are my favorites, but just because he is such a legendary booze-hound and party machine.

Enjoy.

Charles Oakley, You Are In Fantastic Shape My Man

Remember Charles Oakley -- the New York Knick's enforcer from the NBA's glory-years on NBC? I sure do.

Oakley was living large in Vegas recently, and from the looks of things, he still gets down with the weights. For a guy that probably guarded Wilt, Oakley is looking pretty good.

Go on with it Chuck.

Just Because

If you haven't seen it enjoy, if you have revisit.

As classic as Converse.

The First and Last Time...

Usually I don't mind negative comments, ill-will or any other bad vibes that may float towards my general vicinity; this is not really an exception merely a brief acknowledgment.

I want people to read my blog simply to appreciate and enjoy things that I myself enjoy. I like to write and the fact that numerous people get to see things through my eyes, as distorted as they may seem, makes me happy.

If, by chance, as a by-product, my blog motivates individuals who aren't living up to their potential, spend 16 hours a day in bed and in general produce far more hate-spew than positive energy -- well then, that's just a wonderful added bonus.

Honestly, Mr. Heez, I'm glad you've opened a blog. You're a very talented fellow and should have a creative outlet to voice your many opinions. What you have so far is excellent and very witty; I would expect nothing less.

As harsh as you were on me, I hope you can accept my retort as good-natured jest.

You Think You Hate Gas Prices

This gentleman, and others like him in Indonesia, really hate high gas prices.

At a literally silent protest, this wahoo stitched his lips together in the name of lowering fuel prices and , now, reaffirming the developed world's long-held belief that the rest of this planet's inhabitants are, simply and utterly, wolf-shit insane.

You've got to give him credit though -- eat your hearts out Students For A Democratic Society -- that is how you protest.

Worst Marketing Plan Ever

If you haven't seen the Mike's Hard Lemonade commercials recently let me fill you in.

An overweight, pathetic, Chris Farley knock off, bumbles around in the "Hard Lemonade" factory before an overbearing "man's man" supervisor bursts into the room and stymies the fat fellows plans. A glass of lemonade then slams down followed by a bass-filled voice proclaiming something along the lines of, "in a world gone soft someones got to be hard."

Are you shitting me? Can they really be so foolish as to think they can convince America that their product is anything but a pansy-asses version of a wine spritzer?

IF they were smart they would angle their "hard lemonade" to the only people who would ever drink it -- 14-year-old kids who don't know any better, men who drink it in secret and sob themselves to sleep at night and women with feathered hair.

I mean c'mon, I don't usually buy into macho bullshit but if you're a man and you drink Mike's Hard Lemonade regularly, I couldn't be friends with you. Case closed.

There commercials should say, "if you see someone buying our product, or ordering a bottle at a bar, punch them in the face... seriously... just rear back and cold-cock 'em right there... they probably deserve it..."

Sack up and have a beer.

Baxter, Scotch and The Channel 7 News Team

A Kyle T. Hagler Photoshop classic. I miss the days of the fu-manchu and shag hairdo.

You Owe It To Yourself To Watch This Movie

Now hold on just a second. Before you jump out of your seat and call me a raging right wing nut-job, hear me out. I am not quite a nut-job and would never call myself a Republican. This movie has very little to do with politics or political lines and deals mostly in the realm of film making ethics and respect for your audience; it examines the shady movie making processes that Michael Moore has used to try and manipulate the American people as well as what motivates him to take such liberties in constructing the "truth."

The movie is fascinating on a number of different levels and exposes many of Moore's tactics through interviews with some of the people he has featured in his films.

One of the more shocking "alterations" of the truth came in a very poignant scene from Bowling For Columbine -- the part where he encounters a bank offering "a free firearm to anyone who opens an account."

The truth of the matter was that the bank's policy for the free firearm program required an extensive background check before the gun would be given away and, at least, a seven to ten day waiting period before the gun would be mailed to the account opener.

Moore told the bank that he was doing a documentary on "interesting small-business marketing techniques." He had contacted them weeks before with his personal information so his background check could clear. Now, usually the bank would mail the weapon to the person but Moore told the staff it would make the scene much more interesting if they would have it delivered to that branch so he could pick it up from the bank personally. They foolishly allowed that to happen.

The way the scene is shown in the movie misleads the viewer to think the bank's policy was to just hand guns out, on the spot, to anyone who walked in and opened an account. This couldn't be further from the truth but, of course, that wouldn't be nearly as poignant as Moore, literally, walking out of a bank with a gun in his hands, as if they were giving them out like candy.

Other transgressions include splicing multiple speeches of Charleston Heston's to lead you to believe that the NRA had planned to go to Columbine for a rally after the shootings rather than the truth that the rally had been planned for years, lying about the nature of his project before filming scenes and his ambush interview tactics, amongst others.

It brings to light the fact that as much as Michael Moore likes to call Flint, Mich. his hometown -- I'm sure he feels it gives him more credibility to say he comes from a down-and-out town -- he is from a very quaint and fairly wealthy town about 30 miles away from Flint.


The movie points out how perverse it is for Moore to travel across the country, wailing on about how terrible America and its corporations are and how far superior other countries governments and cultures are to our own, yet he lives in a Manhattan penthouse and is filthy rich from the very system he seems to hate so much.

Now I know some will say that they don't care if the "truth is stretched" because they agree with what Moore's general points are. Hell, I even agree with some of his ideas.

The problem is that when you start to think that you are so right, and so much smarter than everyone else, that it is OK for you to manipulate the facts to get people to agree with you, you are dealing with propaganda. And, as an American it is scary to see the powers that be, in Hollywood, allow this to happen.

Michael Moore and his movies offer up, time after time, an extremely pessimistic, derogatory view of our country. Now, I'll agree it's far from perfect and we need lots of reform but the way to help isn't making movies that bend and twist the facts to make everyone believe the sky is falling. We can only make the situation better through honest discourse -- not rabble rousing and underhanded manipulations that serve to pull the wool over our eyes and tear us further way from moderation, sensibility and resolutions.

Oh What the Hell

If you've never seen this video you're in for a real treat and even if you have, just go ahead and enjoy it once more. It's worth it.

This little chubster has provided me with a video I could, literally, watch over and over and over again. Even the woman next to this round, mound of girl-sounds seems to know this video was destined to be an instant classic; she couldn't help from laughing the entire time despite the fact the child next to her is screaming her name as if he was in the most mortal of danger throughout the ride.

Greg of Real World Hollywood: UF Hall of Fame?

Greg of Real World Hollywood could be the greatest Real Worlder of all time. He is pompous, arrogant, completely oblivious to others feelings and in general one the most awesomely sociopathic television characters of all time.

Say what you want about the guy, but he is the soul reason, aside from Joey's head-against-the-wall routine, that anyone is watching this group of bores. I am proud to have Greg as a fellow Gator -- either he is smarter than all of us and is taking us "peasants" for a ride or he really is this disconnected from reality and society, so much so that he is the most uniquely self-centered person anyone has ever seen.

Either way, my ass will be glued to the couch for the Real World at 10 tonight. And I salute Greg, completely, for Real World's redemption.

Only in America!

Sheer Comic Genious

This is a sketch from the Whitest Kids You Know. For those of you who don't know about WKYK you're not missing out on too much. They are pretty much only funny to people in altered states but, every once in a while they will produce a gem.

Bare with it through the end and try to appreciate its sheer randomness.